Friday, July 21, 2017

Letting Go





"Okay, well talk to you later.  Love you."

It was my 31st birthday. That was the last thing, I said to him. It's the last time I heard from him.  It's been almost a year now.  We ended it just like that.  No break up, no reasons.  Well, we had plenty of reasons at this point.  We were only holding on to far-fetched dreams of reconciliation between two people who've probably never been emotionally connected, to begin with.  By this point it was so forced, it was painful and we both knew it.

Prior to, we would call on birthday's, holidays, once a month, sometimes we forgot those phone calls. We sent cards, I was always careful not to pick "The Thanks for being the best Dad cards".  The dance was all so terribly confusing.  We were never really in step and we never cared to be, with each other.  It was a break up that was long overdue.

It was a chapter of a stalely, dusty book that i didn't really like, finally closed, though I wrestled with why and mourned the death of what could've been.  That reconciliation we wanted to forcibly happen was just never going to happen.  I endured the relationship like it was a penance and apart of it did make me feel holier.  If  I could love in this relationship I could love anyone, unworthy.  I could learn from it, I could show my relentless forgiving Christian heart.

It's something, we all have to learn, isn't it?  How a breakup feels and to live with the limp it gives you. I had never had my heart broken or been a toxic relationship.  I always carried a certain naivety for that, optimism that people aren't beyond help, if they're loved correctly, anything could happen. It was an ignorant attempt to control people with. I loved him beyond any worthiness he deserved and it still didn't work.  I always left the door open, everytime he walked out, knowing he would come back, we'd start the cycle that led to nowhere.  That "holiness" is addictive but it's just not fair to us or the other   Forced relationships aren't real connections, we usually stay in them to emotionally benefit Us and it's not healthy. We can't love a corspe alive, and we can't control narrivatives to our bidding.  It's just not how love works.

When the realization hit that we finally ended things, most days it didn't bother me.  I had learned what loving yourself means this year and it was learning I am not the finisher of my own life and others, God is.  Along with the reminder that his ways are not our ways and man, my ways in this relationship wasn't getting us anywhere.  If the Grace you extend to others is more than what you would extend to yourself, it's toxic and you deserve more, friend.  We deserve so much better than we allow ourselves.

There are the few days that I grieve what could've been.  I have dreams, occasionally that reveal the anxiety of what not having an Earthly Father present does to me, subconsciously.  But for the most part, this limp has been my breeding ground in learning grace for myself, what I deserve and what I invite into my life.  It's apart of my DNA now I wouldn't be me without it.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The Present of Parenting

I really don't know what to write about, its been so long. I just know I need to write. And I need to better myself and I need to grow and learn and stretch myself.....and there it is again.  My need to do, do, do.  I am a Type B person.  I am laid back.  So I can only imagine what some of you Type A'ers must feel like.  My problem is I'm about 10 years ahead of myself. I want to be what I envision I will be in 10 years, and I want to get it now, so I'm envisioning all the steps I need to get there.  Then I get overwhelmed or burnt out and I give up and do whatever fancies sound interesting to me next.  I can't get out of the first step of planning into action.

It was the same growing up.  I would get determined to finally clean my terribly messy room, get overwhelmed and sit in the middle of my floor and zone out.  Fantasy has been my escape when I didn't want to work in the now.  I still do it but in a different way.  I fantasize without carefully planning.  I have it in my head I am going to do some greater good for the Greater Cause but I can barely get through my days without being chaotic, spacey and running around busy without actually getting anything accomplished.  Us, Type B'ers, were pretty good at that.

I'm really hoping its just the season I'm in.  I mean, I pratically have to wipe 3 butts, feed 3 mouths, heck just keeping us all alive most days is pretty successful for me.  I am trying to fill fulfilled with all the monomotmous days of child caring.  It's been one of my greatest challenges.  Mainly, because I can't plain ahead and escape the present.  It's making me endure the process.  Sounds so encouraging, doesn't it?

In all the encouragement that I've been learning in this child rearing clean fun, it's brought me to research parenting between Positive Parenting approaches compared to Corporate Punishment/Authoritarian parenting.  CP though has it's rewards in the instant with parenting, the long term affects haven't been so well.   Emotional divides, and even stunted growth with the authoritarian because if you are always in a position of non-questioning, you fail to grow emotional along with your child.  PP teaches a balance with child, and adult and growing alongside your child in learning to control your emotions with the theory that kids will do as you do.

Positive Parenting though doesn't have its instant gratifications in the now, sometimes, you really just have to trust the process.  It teaches eventual empathy and compassion as corner stones for your child as well as making sure you are learning these bases too.

Yikes, you mean, I have to still learn and grow and control myself.  I don't reach a certain status where I finally get those needs met and I get to dictate to others how they should be doing too? Especially my kids? Sounds uncomfortable and it is. It is super uncomfortable and humbling.  It's already teaching me life lessons in how to be a better person.  Being now, and not zoning out.  Not predicting where I'll be, where the kids will be....trusting the process.  Trusting that the Lord doesn't waste anything, my hobbies, my experiences, my restlessness. My kid's defying personalities.   The choices I engage in and the opinions I make, will influence my kids somehow.

Parenting has really started  a soul searching of what is important to us.  Do I teach my kids how to be pretty or do I teach them to value education over the societal expectations of women.  (And yes studies have shown women as actually perceived as more attractive, the less opinionated and educated, they are.)  As a Christian I want to teach them the beauty of the Gospels but I also want them to think for themselves and not just think something because its the environment I've surrounded them by.  I want them to be fully engaged in their ideals and I want them to WANT to love people through their actions.  All of this, has come full circle back to me.  It's hard and its strenuous. It most pointedly shows me of all the work I need to do in the present.  Most days, I  don't think I have it in me to be that person, and most days I'm still leaning on Grace.

But I'm willing and I'm being present.  Sometimes I think it's all the Lord, needs from us is to show up.  Trusting something will come out of these days where the days seem endlessly wasteful and the road ahead looks tremendously long and Grace looks like the only boat to wade us through these uncharted waters, but what's life without a little challenge?


Friday, June 24, 2016

Middle aged and Kinda Graceful.

I'm middle aged.  Or maybe I'm just on the cusp of it.  Like the beginning of a roller coaster as it scales up and up, right before it starts taking the plunge to god knows where.  That's where I  am, I think.  I'm 30, I got pasty white legs, varicose veins, stretch marks and a cubby middle.  My body has been through it in the last 3 years and I'm starting to feel it.

I've birthed 2 beauties, who I swear, aged me 5 years each pregnancy, so technically, I'm forty.  My BMI would annoyingly agree to that.  When I haven't been pregnant, I've been breastfeeding.  I am forever carrying a baby, two large jugs that won't fit gracefully in a normal shirt (or bra for that matter!).  Just when I think I have a moment without motherhood, you know like a date night: Oh no, I'm attached to a pump and I better have every single of the 194 parts that go along with that thing.  Not to mention cleaned and sterilized, or I'm paying mad hell for it!!  My oldest is arguing with me in a non-english language, right now as I type. Probably because I'm taking a little ME break, and that's just too much time for momma to spend for herself.

As many of you know, a couple of months after I welcomed my second daughter, I was diagnosed with a diseased (Hashimotos) and cancerous thyroid.  I think that was the month, I became an adult.  Like a full-fledged one.  Not that I had trouble growing up, although I did carry naiveté  and carelessness around longer than most.  I just faced down my life that month with tired everything and knew nothing was forever and every moment was fleeting.

I came home from the doctor that day and just hugged my babies.  Luckily for me, thyroid cancer is mostly just a nuisance.  But after a day of crying and telling my close friends my health issues, I felt a calm peace.  Life was a good one and I needed this bump in the road, as crazy as that sounds. A reality check I learned a lot from.  I learned white, pasty legs aren't so bad as long as they have strength to carry my babies.  I learned varicose veins like stretch marks are a reminder that I survived 50lb pregnancies and came out with enough love that even beauty doesn't match the sacrificial joy that I have as a mother.  I can almost forget what I looked like 5 years ago when I could sleep in, work out and take a nap all in a hard day's work.

Motherhood, with all her challenges, has surprised me with something: More grace!! And more grace is always a good thing.  It's the margarita at the end of the day (although I'm on a diet) when I've had a gassy baby and a fussy toddler finally in bed.  It's the shrug of my shoulders when dishes are piled high but I'm sitting and playing with my baby. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and she be asking me to turn Toons on for her.  It's when I've gotten on a scale after surgery and gained 3lbs despite eating the healthiest I could possibly eat.  No worries I'll be the healthiest cubby girl, you know!

Some of the hats my Grace wears are silly but since I'm middle aged, who do I have to impress?  A few more heads that would've turned 5 years ago?  Those chicks who have perfect bodies on instagram?  Good for themmmm!! I toast to them while I obnoxiously drink my frozen pina colada, full of sugar! There was a time in my life where I would almost punish myself for such indulgences, but Grace is something I've discovered, it's like the best kept secret for happiness for us almost middle-aged folks, who's time in the sun has expired to a afternoon nap.

So here, let's raise a glass to those 20 somethings and the 30 somethings who still want to be 20 somethings and remind them of one thing:  Hey, you are perfectly not perfect and that little bit of space between you and what you think is perfection is the very spot Grace wants to make a home in.  Don't fight her, let her be.

Monday, November 2, 2015

Identity isn't in our Calling.

So I don't know if you ever have epiphany moments revealed to you, they're few and far between for me but I get them every now and then.   I've been reading this book called "How to be a Conscious Parent."  It's a really great book, I highly recommend!  Anyways, there's lots to cover in the book about how we as parents will unconsciously bring our baggage and hurts from our own childhood into our relationship with our kids and how that can cause friction in our relationship and eventually can harm our kids in becoming who God made them to be.  Because at the end of the Day, our kids are not ours but the Lord's anyways.  Okay, so the book doesn't exactly say that because it's not a Christian book but you can see how a lot of the principles of the book go side by side with Christian principles basically without the "Christian lingo".  Which I like to see, Christ' foot prints in things that sometimes aren't even labeled Christ.

But anyways, in this book, the author Dr. Tsabary explains ways we carry our pain and thus sometimes letting our Ego/flesh guide us more than ourselves and I think we can do that a lot without realizing it, instead of God or the Holy Spirit.  Ways we carry pain is in trying to affirm ourselves in things whether in success, working out, and even intellectualizing it sometimes.  When I read that it stuck out to me and it's like when the Holy Spirit or maybe just common sense taps you on the shoulder and you know it.  Then you just sit and ponder how in the heck the Lord guessed that's one of the things wrong with you because you had no idea, yourself.

Growing up, I didn't always feel like the smartest kid.  Mostly because I just wanted to play and not do my school work or listen to teachers.  Now I realize as an adult, I, being a child of a single parent, the school system just let me slip by and along with this, it lead me to never feel quite as adequate as my peers.  Personally, I see that as a blessing now that I didn't exactly fit in to society's mold but it sure felt like a curse most of grade school and I carried that pain into adulthood.  Coupled with my religious upbringing of rigid molds, I found myself quite not fitting into again, I realized I might be carrying that remembered pain into my new hobbie: studying theology.  Which isn't necessary a bad hobby, actually it's helped me tremendously in finding myself and researching the mysterious character of God while keeping me from being a bored housewife because it keeps my curious soul up to pace.

The only problem I've discovered in my trying to know more and more Theology, is that I keep trying to use it to define me.   Now whether I decide to be a Theologian or not (though I'm quite content with less debt and being a hairstylist) it is important that I don't do it mostly based on my pain or inadequacy of myself.  And that's what I've been doing.  Using it to cover up my hurt and using it to feel better about myself.  But one of the things I've learned from this book and my love for the Word is not letting those things define me but to keep defining myself in Christ.  Especially if something is "Christian", it can be so much easier to define ourselves through that and be okay with it.

And on top of all this going on. I love those moments when you keep getting tapped on the shoulder like "Okay, maybe I'm onto something."   A few days later, I was listening to my church's podcast from another Sunday because I went to the mountains instead and my Pastor Jonathan Stone was talking about how he doesn't want his Pastorial role to define him as a Person instead of finding himself in Christ and also this lovely lady Blake Blackman had gotten up and confessed she had placed her identity in Church and not Christ to the point that when our church a few years back had a ruff patch she was upheveled by the situation and just recently while talking with a friend, admitted that "Church was everything" instead of Christ. So much of the time its so easy to get wrapped up in our calling and letting that take forefront and trying to find our meaning in that.

I think I've seen it in a lot of people, including myself. They don't think they're Christian enough so they end up becoming pastors or in my case trying to be a Theologian, lol, but we have to remember those things don't define us because at the end of the day, we have to be happy with the person in the mirror without all those recognitions, titles or just plain smarts and love ourselves without condition of outside sources or works. Knowing that we are worthy of Love regardless of what we do or our actions.

There is one thing that we can find our identity in and that is Love. For God is love. You can find yourself in loving people and God.  Throughout this learning process, that is the essence of Christian living and it's pretty simple but for some reason we keep trying to add bells and whistles along with it. Trying to make ourselves more worthy, when all along Christ is saying I made you, YOU for a reason. I put you in the exact place in your life with all your life experiences for a reason.  Instead of thinking of how can I be more deserving, I'm learning one of the great mysteries for us humans to get and that is just being content with myself but open to change when necessary for growth.  Not by force but willingness of having our heart open and vulnerable. :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Day My Mind Changed without My Consent...

Before having my little Ivey Jo, I looked like any other 20-something conservative evangelical Christian, and was fully accepted by many as this.  Life was easier then.  I went to church every Sunday, read my bible, prayed for me and my family.  But something was lacking.  I still knew there was something more to life and I was still missing it.  Actually I ached for it.  And my faith was slipping because of it….

Thankful that we found my church Renovatus at just the right time in my Christian walk.  By this point, I was holding on to my faith with the last grip of the rope although I was still in no way ready to start pulling myself back up.  It was a little glimmer of Hope for me at a time when I had none.  I was starting to lose interest in my faith, and I hated myself for it.  Why couldn't the bible speak to me like it did others? Why did I really dislike Christian music or anything Christian culture?  It was starting to make my skin crawl. Didn't I go through something like this, when I left a legalistic background and found Grace in my late teens.  Why was this unsettling happening again in my spirit.  Suddenly what I believed in looked Cotton Candyish, paper thin and I was still slipping...

It was a dull pain that followed me around everywhere.  Maybe this is what it feels like to pick up your cross daily but why wasn't I feeling fulfilled or at least happy? Or dang, at least have some fruits but I had none and I was withering unless something changed.  I would pray over and over after years  of getting out of legalism "God, if I'm on the right path, please give me a sign, or stop me if I'm not."

And then one day, my husband Randall told me of this podcast he was listening to, that he really liked. Randall always liked listening to all sorts of different preachers (something I did not care for!) but he was really liking Brian Zahnd's podcast and Brian had also preached at Renovatus one time but I wasn't probably paying attention to what he had preached on since I remember very little of what he said.  Anyways, Randall said he just wrote a book called A Farewell To Mars that sounded really interesting. He thought we should read together.

I'm just glad God is a patient God because it took months for me to actually pick the book up and read it, but HOLY CRAP when we did read it.  It changed me!  Brief synopses in case your wondering:  He talked about how we just always assumed that America was God's nation but if you really think about it all nations are more set up as Empires.  Empires never follow the Jesus way because they thrive on Us Vs Them mentalities and Jesus demanded that we love our enemies not kill them.  Well, what do Empires do?  They kill their enemies.  But Jesus' Kingdom demands kindness and mercy which doesn't seem to fit well in the Empires of man.  Instead we leave Jesus to saving souls for an afterlife while WE handle the business affair of politics.  Jesus became Lord of an Afterlife not Lord of our present life. Which is a lot easier if you think about it…

When I read this stuff, I was like "No. That can't be accurate."  I've grown up my whole life in church and never heard of this.  My interest was peaked and if you know anything about my passion OCD.  If I get interested in something, I'm INTERESTED in it and theres no holding back.  Soon I was diving into my bible, listening to different podcast, learning from different biblical scholars and preachers, reading endless theology books.  I did this everyday and still do!! And yet it was reiterated that Yes in  fact, Jesus' Kingdom is now and it is a reversal of what the world glorifies.  I just always assumed "the world" meant everything not Christian and I should try stay away.  Now I'm finding "the world" is the hidden lens, Christian religion or not, that keeps Jesus on the sidelines.

Actually I was finding a lot of Christian culture in America was keeping Jesus' business just for the saving souls for Heaven afterlife.  What I found out about Jesus and have grown to love about Him is that he was VERY political and was VERY much a threat to the way our systems are built.  Think about it: Cain after he killed Abel, went and started the first Human Society.  Our structures were built on a murderer, the conquerors per say.   A very important sign that God did not require this or Human Sacrifice was when he told Abraham not to sacrifice his son.  This is a huge moment in our theology because God right there said he does not require that.  Then why do we still think we need to kill and why do we trust in Swords more than God's love.

Now remember what Jesus taught?  He should be the most central part of our Faith, right?  He came so we could see what God is like.  No man has seen God but Jesus.  What? What about Moses and Elijah? Didn't they see God?  Probably fragmented parts but no.  No one is God or like God more than Jesus.  And remember God never changes so he's always been like Jesus, we just haven't always known that until Jesus came.

Suddenly Jesus' teachings were brought to life in my soul when I started discovering that.  The fact that in Jesus's Kingdom the poor, immigrant, outcast and last were first.  Started making sense, so did his parables.  And poetry.  And art.  And social Justice.  Suddenly life was not as bleak as it was before and I had something to live for.  Of course, this new informative thinking (which again actually not new but ancient teaching) did not come without a fight, mostly within myself.  Although, I was excited and intrigued, part of me wanted to just bury my head in the sand and forget I ever learned of these things… I mean my beloved America, where I am free to express myself and be who I am came at a price that was found on the bodies of the killed, Native Americans, war, and Jesus had supposedly endorsed all this for the sake of His nation….but only he actually didn't.

Jesus was becoming more real but my Christianity was looking more fake.  If I didn't change, I knew I couldn't call myself a Christian anymore even though I was looking less like a Good ole moral republican and more like ekkk! Might I say it:  A dreaded Liberal (the Them side)!  And it was all Jesus' fault too! If I had my way I would stay that way but I knew now kinda like Peter Parker learned in Spider Man: With great power comes great responsibility.  Because now the power of the cross shamed what I had been taught were the 3 great powers to possess:  Policitcs, Religion, and Wealth. Only if you think about it, representatives from these 3 very things killed and scapegoated our Lord and Savior: Pilate, Caiaphas, and Herod.

The Cross is a threat to these very powers that rule our world.  But how do we overcome this world and the representations of it? Through Geo political force?  No.  Through war? No.  Through Christian empire?  Definetly no.  The answer is being like a little lamb.  A lamb, who's kindness beats the big Big Empire Powers through Sacrificial Love.  Did you know, we too, can possess the same mentality that Jesus had?  To have a love that doesn't even fear death but forgives even while the perpetrator is acting against us. What does that kind of love look like?  It looks like fruits and this is why I harp on fruits so much more than cultural Christianity.  Because look around you.  Do you see fruits in that?  I didn't nor did I have any myself.  Because what we have been built on is a religion that is only obsessed with after life suddenly we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off wondering what a real Christian looks like and calling out anything threatening, usually anything that threatens our systems and we scapegoat it or them.  Yikes! Don't you see?  We take on the same Satanic mentality that scapegoated our Jesus because he didn't fit into any of our worldly systems or views of it.

Maybe I'm above your head and I'm making it spin.  That's okay.  I've been there too.  But I know that I just can't sit back before and not do anything like I did before. I can't keep a cheap religion that plays on the powers of Man's empires and not be/think different.  Before I had very little interest in Polictics but now I realize, even though, Jesus' Kingdom doesn't come through Geo political force (its a matter of our hearts) our politics plays an important role in what we think are important in our lives.  I do not judge republican or democrat nor do I subscribe to a certain side.  I think we need both wings to make the bird fly.

I think we need to uphold the standard of pro-life more but even to the point of every human being and their rights.  Pro-life has become a deeply intricate part of my faith.  For every human being needs to be recognized as that: a human being.  Not a Them to be wrote off as not important or as evil, but as suffering humans who need help and compassion.  That is how Jesus looked at each human even the despicable ones who were profiting by exploiting his own people (tax collectors)  He treated them with kindness not indifference and yes there is a difference!!

Do you know what a luke warm religion/love looks like?  It looks like loving the ones that are just like you and not the other, which even the worst of sinners find easy to do.  I still remember the night, I felt so convicted by the Holy Spirit after wrestling with this new found knowledge.  I knew by that still small voice that I had been luke warm for a long time.  And after 16 years of trying I finally broke free.  That's when you really learn about Grace too.  When you've been so blind and preoccupied with your own idols of selfishness, ego and greed that you didn't realize you weren't even putting Jesus as Lord of your life, ever!

Hey to be honest, I was just worshipping what everyone around me was worshipping too.  And when I stopped.  People noticed and became uneasy around me.  Religious, non-religious, liberal, conservative.  Now I don't feel like I can fit in any circle but the small narrow one.  Actually still to this day I get scapegoated every now and then but now I'd be worried if I didn't because I know the way is narrow and it cuts into my own ego too so I understand when the gospel cuts into other's as well.  I understand the uneasy feeling of coming out of religion and into the deep sometimes dark waters of Grace.  It's frightening but yet freeing all at once.

But that's the thing about Grace.  It doesn't play by our rules.  It doesn't have laws and that's the most terrifying aspect of God. To not have him pinned down or to not know his heart.  Read Jesus' parables.  They are disturbing!! I mean the Prodigal son and the worker's getting paid all the same, like what? But that is their intent to get you disoriented.  To wake you up out of sleep.  To ask more questions.  I always related more to the elder son and the workers that worked all day.   I recently heard we should try to play ourselves into the story as the prodigal and the hour long workers then we might understand Grace a little better.  I think the fact that we think we enter the Kingdom before anyone else means we really haven't found the Kingdom to begin with.

Only the Kingdom comes with a backwards mentality this world doesn't understand.  It's a lot easier to fight than ignore and retaliate with kindness. But that's the way of Jesus taught and that's the way we must go. It's a lot easier to write someone off with a label then actually seeing them as a human being. Especially if they are a different nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.  Compassion, humility, and Grace must turn us into Jesus and that kind of Love can only come from him.

…Now, these days, it's pretty neat looking back years on Timehop, my little inklings I posted showing that I had wanted a better way somehow, somewhere and I am so thankful that at last I am finding it because I know that there was NOTHING extraordinary I did except be open, wait and pray.  So if you find that you are in limbo with your faith or just life in general and don't really know what will become of it just know in our Weakness (even in Faith) he is made strong!!

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Egos



Father forgive me for I have sinned
I acted like I was right and then I pinned
My sins on the masses. It felt so good
Eating that fruit
And then prideful I stood
I purged what I couldn’t see in me on them
See that’s my problem I created a “Them”
I called it justice i called it standing up
But in the end I was just throwing up
Vomiting my hate and calling it love
And when I was done I went back for more
See someone had to feel they were wrong
Someone had to feel condemned
I thought I was above all that but now I’m the “them”
I’m the ones foaming at the mouth
Feeling right, picking a side
See that’s what we do when we’re weak
We choose sides and then we retreat
Getting lost in a war more than a gospel
Seeking blood but calling it love
“It’s the way of the world” is what we all say
I disagree. I KNOW there’s a better way
Out of this cycle of hate
We’ve been so blind, we’ve taken the bait
But to go against the crowd right or wrong
Is where freedom lies it’s where we belong 
Letting a Spirit take our burdens
See we’re trying too hard
And it’s evident in our actions
That our faith is weak and our hate is sanctioned
By the powers of the air
It’s in what we breathe to get free is to go beyond human
To a motherly love that don’t have reason
See love doesn’t control
it doesn’t have to explain
It always trust even in the face of evil
Of the beast darting pain
We stand up smaller than the sides
We declare with fruits of the Called
That big monster is defeated by the little lamb
You see it’s about unity, seeing Christ in all
If you can’t see that
Then ask where you fall.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

A Dance Around the Table






A Dance Around the Table





A dance around the table
Few seem to like the rhythm
There’s a dance around the table
Everything’s free and nothing’s for sale

 The banquet is full
 But more could fit
 Many watch while they sit
 At the dance around the table

 To partake in the dance around the table
 You must first recognize the waltz
 The rhythm, the pulse inside
 To see how it concides with time 

There’s stillness in the dance around the table
 The anthem of blood but it’s spilled back into 
 a vessel at the dance around the table
 The music is healing but most think it’s feeble

 Oh, the many visceral movements of the bea
 Are heard around the table 
The noisy hum brings a melody from within
 At the dance around the table

 The taste of food is other worldly
 Too rich of taste but too simplistic to get
 The fullness of flavor reminds me, why I’m here
 At the dance around the table

 I could partake but the others who wait
 Get angry when I dance around the table
 My dance is sensual but my dance is pure
 It is not my own and it invites more
 To partake in the dance around the table