Monday, April 29, 2013

Wilderness...

So I've been reading this book called "Prototype" by a Pastor at church that my husband and I have been checking out lately, and I feel the book is on Point about where and what God has been teaching me lately.

Before I even started this book, the Lord has been taking me through a struggle in my life with something I thought I was done struggling with is Doubt.  Not that I doubt that there is even a God or that Jesus is God's son, I've already dealt with those struggles in the past and it only made me believe stronger in the end.  I guess the thing I'm most struggling with is Trust.

As Humans, we want to know that some things are in our Control, we don't want to re-lie on God if we can control it on our own and this is where I have been lately. Sometimes when things don't work out on our terms, we think God has left us or forsaken us.  In the book "Prototype" Jonathan Martin shows us the more Human side of Jesus and it is refreshing that even though Jesus is God-in-flesh he still needed to know that he was God's Beloved, he just didn't forget like we/I tend to do.

I thought it was neat that before Jesus even started his ministry, he had to get baptized first and when that happened the Holy Spirit descended from Heaven in the form of a Dove and God spoke "This is my Beloved, in whom I'm well pleased."  I use to think God did that as a confirmation to the others around but now I think God did it not only for that but more importantly a confirmation to Jesus, himself.  That was the starting point of his ministry.

Just like we hear voices from everywhere: media, television, friends, family etc. about who we should be (and sometimes they mean well)  and what we should do to be more deserving or better; God is calling us into a different place.  The worst thing Jesus could have done after hearing the voice from His father is to go straight into the ministry where the  hustle and bustle of society's voices are everywhere, God's words could have easily been drowned out. But Jesus' ministry/mission were too important to risk it so instead, Jesus was lead by the same Spirit that called Him Beloved into the Wilderness for 40 days.  This is not an easy place to be, even for the Son of God, but it is a very crucial place to be.  It was a test to withstand the Enemy but also a place where Jesus prayed and fasted for 40 days, this is where Jesus became Jesus.

In our day and age the Wilderness is not seen as a good thing.  More than ever we are more connected with social media, news and people easily with the click of a button.  I decided last week to go "off the grid" lol it seemed better in theory till it came down to it.  For 2 days I didn't look at ANY social media.  Whenever I felt tempted I read my bible or a book.  It was actually refreshing, I started "listening" to God more, wrote one of my best blogs and took a step back on some situations that I just didn't know what to do with.  But slowly I was creeping back on.... It started when I posted my blog, I just wanted to see some reactions, lol.  Then I wanted to see what one of my Fav authors was saying, because his statuses are very encouraging to me.  Finally, I just said "aw, screw it!" I wanna see whats going on with people!

Whether I like to admit it or not, I kind of like all the voices coming at me, and I like Man's approval of me.  Sometimes i get confirmation from them, but after I got back on I realized "This is what I've been missing?"  I started missing the Wilderness a lil more and realized God wasn't quite down there yet.  I miss that place where God was clearer and you can even see the Enemy's temptations more exposed in the Wilderness.  And some of the things I've been through lately, I really need my alone time with God because I can see more of WHY I'm going through some of the things I'm going through.

So I'm not on social media as much I would like to be cut off again, I'm working on that, I can't promise it will happen though.  I like social media but I don't want to be addicted to it like I was and I'm trying to go away from seeking my confirmation in Man.  I'm looking to Jesus as my Prototype and I want to FEEL like God's Beloved like Jesus did.  I don't want to look for my self worth in things, people, experiences etc.  Actually through some difficult experiences in life, I'm learning just how much God loves me and I'm one of his favs ;).  The Wilderness hasn't always felt like that and a lot of times it seems like a dry, lonely, doubtful place, somewhere I would have earlier never wanted to be.  I'm facing my doubts and fears head on, and my demons sometimes come out to taunt me.  It is a place of attack from the Enemy and it exploits my weaknesses and preys on my greatest fears.

But I'm coming to realize in the Wilderness God is leading me back to Him.  I'm thinking more clearly in here and though the Enemy comes, like he would wether I was in the Wilderness or not, he is more identifiable in here.  And its all comes back to the same temptations that Jesus struggled with. "If you are the Son of Man....If you are who God says you are...then prove it to me. Prove it to the world.  I love this one passage from the book about this:

"But that's one way we can identify the devil's voice:  It always plays on our fears.  It is the voice that tells us we must DO something to prove who we are, to prove that we're worthy, to prove that we are who God has already declared us to be.  When we know we are loved by God, we don't have to prove anything to anyone.  There is nothing we can do to make ourselves MORE beloved than we are."

So to my friends, (if you've even noticed) I'm not as connected as I was.  I just want to be in Obscurity for a lil bit right now and figure out all this mess in my head.  I love my friends and hold them dearly but the best thing for me right now is to keep my head down and press forward till this gift of Wilderness ends for me.  :) :)


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