So I don't know if you ever have epiphany moments revealed to you, they're few and far between for me but I get them every now and then. I've been reading this book called "How to be a Conscious Parent." It's a really great book, I highly recommend! Anyways, there's lots to cover in the book about how we as parents will unconsciously bring our baggage and hurts from our own childhood into our relationship with our kids and how that can cause friction in our relationship and eventually can harm our kids in becoming who God made them to be. Because at the end of the Day, our kids are not ours but the Lord's anyways. Okay, so the book doesn't exactly say that because it's not a Christian book but you can see how a lot of the principles of the book go side by side with Christian principles basically without the "Christian lingo". Which I like to see, Christ' foot prints in things that sometimes aren't even labeled Christ.
But anyways, in this book, the author Dr. Tsabary explains ways we carry our pain and thus sometimes letting our Ego/flesh guide us more than ourselves and I think we can do that a lot without realizing it, instead of God or the Holy Spirit. Ways we carry pain is in trying to affirm ourselves in things whether in success, working out, and even intellectualizing it sometimes. When I read that it stuck out to me and it's like when the Holy Spirit or maybe just common sense taps you on the shoulder and you know it. Then you just sit and ponder how in the heck the Lord guessed that's one of the things wrong with you because you had no idea, yourself.
Growing up, I didn't always feel like the smartest kid. Mostly because I just wanted to play and not do my school work or listen to teachers. Now I realize as an adult, I, being a child of a single parent, the school system just let me slip by and along with this, it lead me to never feel quite as adequate as my peers. Personally, I see that as a blessing now that I didn't exactly fit in to society's mold but it sure felt like a curse most of grade school and I carried that pain into adulthood. Coupled with my religious upbringing of rigid molds, I found myself quite not fitting into again, I realized I might be carrying that remembered pain into my new hobbie: studying theology. Which isn't necessary a bad hobby, actually it's helped me tremendously in finding myself and researching the mysterious character of God while keeping me from being a bored housewife because it keeps my curious soul up to pace.
The only problem I've discovered in my trying to know more and more Theology, is that I keep trying to use it to define me. Now whether I decide to be a Theologian or not (though I'm quite content with less debt and being a hairstylist) it is important that I don't do it mostly based on my pain or inadequacy of myself. And that's what I've been doing. Using it to cover up my hurt and using it to feel better about myself. But one of the things I've learned from this book and my love for the Word is not letting those things define me but to keep defining myself in Christ. Especially if something is "Christian", it can be so much easier to define ourselves through that and be okay with it.
And on top of all this going on. I love those moments when you keep getting tapped on the shoulder like "Okay, maybe I'm onto something." A few days later, I was listening to my church's podcast from another Sunday because I went to the mountains instead and my Pastor Jonathan Stone was talking about how he doesn't want his Pastorial role to define him as a Person instead of finding himself in Christ and also this lovely lady Blake Blackman had gotten up and confessed she had placed her identity in Church and not Christ to the point that when our church a few years back had a ruff patch she was upheveled by the situation and just recently while talking with a friend, admitted that "Church was everything" instead of Christ. So much of the time its so easy to get wrapped up in our calling and letting that take forefront and trying to find our meaning in that.
I think I've seen it in a lot of people, including myself. They don't think they're Christian enough so they end up becoming pastors or in my case trying to be a Theologian, lol, but we have to remember those things don't define us because at the end of the day, we have to be happy with the person in the mirror without all those recognitions, titles or just plain smarts and love ourselves without condition of outside sources or works. Knowing that we are worthy of Love regardless of what we do or our actions.
There is one thing that we can find our identity in and that is Love. For God is love. You can find yourself in loving people and God. Throughout this learning process, that is the essence of Christian living and it's pretty simple but for some reason we keep trying to add bells and whistles along with it. Trying to make ourselves more worthy, when all along Christ is saying I made you, YOU for a reason. I put you in the exact place in your life with all your life experiences for a reason. Instead of thinking of how can I be more deserving, I'm learning one of the great mysteries for us humans to get and that is just being content with myself but open to change when necessary for growth. Not by force but willingness of having our heart open and vulnerable. :)