"Okay, well talk to you later. Love you."
It was my 31st birthday. That was the last thing, I said to him. It's the last time I heard from him. It's been almost a year now. We ended it just like that. No break up, no reasons. Well, we had plenty of reasons at this point. We were only holding on to far-fetched dreams of reconciliation between two people who've probably never been emotionally connected, to begin with. By this point it was so forced, it was painful and we both knew it.
Prior to, we would call on birthday's, holidays, once a month, sometimes we forgot those phone calls. We sent cards, I was always careful not to pick "The Thanks for being the best Dad cards". The dance was all so terribly confusing. We were never really in step and we never cared to be, with each other. It was a break up that was long overdue.
It was a chapter of a stalely, dusty book that i didn't really like, finally closed, though I wrestled with why and mourned the death of what could've been. That reconciliation we wanted to forcibly happen was just never going to happen. I endured the relationship like it was a penance and apart of it did make me feel holier. If I could love in this relationship I could love anyone, unworthy. I could learn from it, I could show my relentless forgiving Christian heart.
It's something, we all have to learn, isn't it? How a breakup feels and to live with the limp it gives you. I had never had my heart broken or been a toxic relationship. I always carried a certain naivety for that, optimism that people aren't beyond help, if they're loved correctly, anything could happen. It was an ignorant attempt to control people with. I loved him beyond any worthiness he deserved and it still didn't work. I always left the door open, everytime he walked out, knowing he would come back, we'd start the cycle that led to nowhere. That "holiness" is addictive but it's just not fair to us or the other Forced relationships aren't real connections, we usually stay in them to emotionally benefit Us and it's not healthy. We can't love a corspe alive, and we can't control narrivatives to our bidding. It's just not how love works.
When the realization hit that we finally ended things, most days it didn't bother me. I had learned what loving yourself means this year and it was learning I am not the finisher of my own life and others, God is. Along with the reminder that his ways are not our ways and man, my ways in this relationship wasn't getting us anywhere. If the Grace you extend to others is more than what you would extend to yourself, it's toxic and you deserve more, friend. We deserve so much better than we allow ourselves.
There are the few days that I grieve what could've been. I have dreams, occasionally that reveal the anxiety of what not having an Earthly Father present does to me, subconsciously. But for the most part, this limp has been my breeding ground in learning grace for myself, what I deserve and what I invite into my life. It's apart of my DNA now I wouldn't be me without it.