Friday, July 21, 2017

Letting Go

"Okay, well talk to you later.  Love you."

It was my 31st birthday. That was the last thing, I said to him. It's the last time I heard from him.  It's been almost a year now.  We ended it just like that.  No break up, no reasons.  Well, we had plenty of reasons at this point.  We were only holding on to far-fetched dreams of reconciliation between two people who've probably never been emotionally connected, to begin with.  By this point it was so forced, it was painful and we both knew it.

Prior to, we would call on birthday's, holidays, once a month, sometimes we forgot those phone calls. We sent cards, I was always careful not to pick "The Thanks for being the best Dad cards".  The dance was all so terribly confusing.  We were never really in step and we never cared to be, with each other.  It was a break up that was long overdue.

It was a chapter of a stalely, dusty book that i didn't really like, finally closed, though I wrestled with why and mourned the death of what could've been.  That reconciliation we wanted to forcibly happen was just never going to happen.  I endured the relationship like it was a penance and apart of it did make me feel holier.  If  I could love in this relationship I could love anyone, unworthy.  I could learn from it, I could show my relentless forgiving Christian heart.

It's something, we all have to learn, isn't it?  How a breakup feels and to live with the limp it gives you. I had never had my heart broken or been a toxic relationship.  I always carried a certain naivety for that, optimism that people aren't beyond help, if they're loved correctly, anything could happen. It was an ignorant attempt to control people with. I loved him beyond any worthiness he deserved and it still didn't work.  I always left the door open, everytime he walked out, knowing he would come back, we'd start the cycle that led to nowhere.  That "holiness" is addictive but it's just not fair to us or the other   Forced relationships aren't real connections, we usually stay in them to emotionally benefit Us and it's not healthy. We can't love a corspe alive, and we can't control narrivatives to our bidding.  It's just not how love works.

When the realization hit that we finally ended things, most days it didn't bother me.  I had learned what loving yourself means this year and it was learning I am not the finisher of my own life and others, God is.  Along with the reminder that his ways are not our ways and man, my ways in this relationship wasn't getting us anywhere.  If the Grace you extend to others is more than what you would extend to yourself, it's toxic and you deserve more, friend.  We deserve so much better than we allow ourselves.

There are the few days that I grieve what could've been.  I have dreams, occasionally that reveal the anxiety of what not having an Earthly Father present does to me, subconsciously.  But for the most part, this limp has been my breeding ground in learning grace for myself, what I deserve and what I invite into my life.  It's apart of my DNA now I wouldn't be me without it.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

The Present of Parenting

I really don't know what to write about, its been so long. I just know I need to write. And I need to better myself and I need to grow and learn and stretch myself.....and there it is again.  My need to do, do, do.  I am a Type B person.  I am laid back.  So I can only imagine what some of you Type A'ers must feel like.  My problem is I'm about 10 years ahead of myself. I want to be what I envision I will be in 10 years, and I want to get it now, so I'm envisioning all the steps I need to get there.  Then I get overwhelmed or burnt out and I give up and do whatever fancies sound interesting to me next.  I can't get out of the first step of planning into action.

It was the same growing up.  I would get determined to finally clean my terribly messy room, get overwhelmed and sit in the middle of my floor and zone out.  Fantasy has been my escape when I didn't want to work in the now.  I still do it but in a different way.  I fantasize without carefully planning.  I have it in my head I am going to do some greater good for the Greater Cause but I can barely get through my days without being chaotic, spacey and running around busy without actually getting anything accomplished.  Us, Type B'ers, were pretty good at that.

I'm really hoping its just the season I'm in.  I mean, I pratically have to wipe 3 butts, feed 3 mouths, heck just keeping us all alive most days is pretty successful for me.  I am trying to fill fulfilled with all the monomotmous days of child caring.  It's been one of my greatest challenges.  Mainly, because I can't plain ahead and escape the present.  It's making me endure the process.  Sounds so encouraging, doesn't it?

In all the encouragement that I've been learning in this child rearing clean fun, it's brought me to research parenting between Positive Parenting approaches compared to Corporate Punishment/Authoritarian parenting.  CP though has it's rewards in the instant with parenting, the long term affects haven't been so well.   Emotional divides, and even stunted growth with the authoritarian because if you are always in a position of non-questioning, you fail to grow emotional along with your child.  PP teaches a balance with child, and adult and growing alongside your child in learning to control your emotions with the theory that kids will do as you do.

Positive Parenting though doesn't have its instant gratifications in the now, sometimes, you really just have to trust the process.  It teaches eventual empathy and compassion as corner stones for your child as well as making sure you are learning these bases too.

Yikes, you mean, I have to still learn and grow and control myself.  I don't reach a certain status where I finally get those needs met and I get to dictate to others how they should be doing too? Especially my kids? Sounds uncomfortable and it is. It is super uncomfortable and humbling.  It's already teaching me life lessons in how to be a better person.  Being now, and not zoning out.  Not predicting where I'll be, where the kids will be....trusting the process.  Trusting that the Lord doesn't waste anything, my hobbies, my experiences, my restlessness. My kid's defying personalities.   The choices I engage in and the opinions I make, will influence my kids somehow.

Parenting has really started  a soul searching of what is important to us.  Do I teach my kids how to be pretty or do I teach them to value education over the societal expectations of women.  (And yes studies have shown women as actually perceived as more attractive, the less opinionated and educated, they are.)  As a Christian I want to teach them the beauty of the Gospels but I also want them to think for themselves and not just think something because its the environment I've surrounded them by.  I want them to be fully engaged in their ideals and I want them to WANT to love people through their actions.  All of this, has come full circle back to me.  It's hard and its strenuous. It most pointedly shows me of all the work I need to do in the present.  Most days, I  don't think I have it in me to be that person, and most days I'm still leaning on Grace.

But I'm willing and I'm being present.  Sometimes I think it's all the Lord, needs from us is to show up.  Trusting something will come out of these days where the days seem endlessly wasteful and the road ahead looks tremendously long and Grace looks like the only boat to wade us through these uncharted waters, but what's life without a little challenge?