"Okay, well talk to you later. Love you."
It was my 31st birthday. That was the last thing, I said to him. It's the last time I heard from him. It's been almost a year now. We ended it just like that. No break up, no reasons. Well, we had plenty of reasons, at this point. We were only holding on to far-fetched dreams of reconciliation between two people who haven't been emotionally connected in a long time. By this point it was so forced, it was painful and we both knew it.
Prior to, we would call on birthday's, holidays, once a month, sometimes we forgot those phone calls. We sent cards, I was always careful not to pick "The Thanks for being the best Dad cards". The dance was all so terribly confusing. We were never really in step and we never cared to be, with each other. It was a break up that was long overdue.
It was a chapter of a stalely, dusty book that i didn't care to read but took me years to finish. Finally closed, though I wrestled with why and mourned the death of what could've been. That reconciliation we wanted to forcibly happen was just never going to happen. I endured the relationship like it was a penance and apart of it did give me a sense of false holiness. If I could love in this relationship I could love anyone, unworthy. I could learn from it, I could show my relentless, forgiving, Christian heart. I. Could. Show.... it was more about me masking my own insecurities than what the relationship was doing to both parties and it was time to end it.
It's something, we all have to learn, isn't it? How a breakup feels and to live with the wound, it gives you. I had never had my heart broken or been a toxic relationship. I always carried a certain naivety for that, optimism that people or situations aren't beyond help, if they're loved correctly, anything could happen. It was an ignorant attempt to control situations. I loved him beyond any worthiness of what he deserved and it still didn't work. I always left the door open, everytime he walked out, knowing he would come back, we'd start the cycle that led to nowhere. That "holiness" is addictive but it's just not fair to us or the other. Forced relationships aren't real connections, we usually stay in them to emotionally benefit Us and it's not healthy. We can't love a corspe alive, and we can't control narrivatives to our bidding. It's just not how love works.
When the realization hit that we finally ended things, most days it didn't bother me. I had learned what loving yourself means this year and it was learning of respect for myself in ALL places and relationships. Also, that we are not the finisher of our own life and others, God is. Along with the reminder that his ways are not our ways and man, my ways in this relationship wasn't getting either one of us anywhere. If the Grace you extend to others is more than what you would extend to yourself in love, it's toxic and you deserve more. We deserve so much better than we allow ourselves out of fear, control and yes, piety.
There are still the few days that I grieve what could've been. I have dreams, occasionally that reveal the anxiety of what not having this relationship does to me, subconsciously. But for the most part, this "handicap" has been my breeding ground in learning grace for myself, what I deserve and what I invite into my life. It's apart of who I am and my character, as well as my integrity in showing up for others. Perhaps, holiness is learning to better the world from the very place of our shortcomings.
I heard something not too long ago that stuck with me: "By His strips, we're all healed", could not only be a physical profession but also a metaphorical one too. One that echoes when we take on our crosses and walk with Christ. When we become like Christ, the strips this old world has done to us, begins to heal others. If that is true, I think it's what makes us and our experiences unique in Kingdom work. There's a certain kinship, we have for others, who've walked similar unfortunate paths, as us, and for that I'm grateful for the wounds that I carry. :)